i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
