i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
