I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just pynch a tree in the face
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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