That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
