Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize