Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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