After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she peed on how many people?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
