I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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