i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
birth control should be required to get into college
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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