Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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