I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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