Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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