thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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