Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
