I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
