It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
