Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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