Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
