Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
