honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
