I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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