I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
