Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
