im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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