Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
