Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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