I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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