Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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