I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
