I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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