my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
