Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
