He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
