Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
