I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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