my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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