Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
