I cannot find my penis.
I can text with my tongue
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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