her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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