pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize