Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
