So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
