I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize