brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
