Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
