So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
