That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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