the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
