I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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