Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize