he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
