The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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