i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
