I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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