He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
