dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
