i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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