He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
