Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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