Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
