you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
