I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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