is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
