I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
