oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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