I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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