You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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