Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
