I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
