Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
