I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
