I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
