At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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