she kept yelling 'call me bella'
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize